It's safe to say the month of February was an entire month devoted to God refining my heart. Just as coal is refined to remove it's impurities, God used February to refine my heart. Several notable things happened in the second month to make me examine my heart in a deep, honest way.
1- Joy. Zack's sweet grandfather's sickness and passing away was nothing short of a beautiful picture of Christ's love for us and our nature to long for Him. In Bill's last days with us, we left him one night praying. His prayer was a simple one of thanksgiving. Even in his final days, Bill was still thanking God for His faithfulness on his life- what an encouragement. The picture of Bill just talking to God will be one I never forget. This was one of those defining moments of my life; you know the ones you just can't get over?! Since that night in the hospital, my mind and heart have just been drawn in the blessings of God. If Bill could praise Jesus in his final days, why can't I do it everyday, all the time?! This picture of God's people praising Him has convicted me that I am simply not thankful enough. I have EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD to be joyful, yet sometimes (more often than I like to admit), I simply am not. Lesson one of February was simply to be thankful.
2- Refine. The month of love proved to be a month of acknowledgement of sin in marriage. While most people associate February with sappy romance, this month has been the toughest since we've been married. But in a good way. Jesus has softened my heart to acknowledge my sin and work on it. Once again, He's taking my heart of coal and refining me. Zack has been so faithful to me throughout the ugliness of working on my sin. It's been tough. There's been a lot of crying. But it's been good. Jesus has made me more aware than ever of specific sin and already forgiven me, so now it's my job to work on it. It amazes me just how absent-minded I have a tendency to be and this month has been tough/great in really digging deep into my struggles that I've been hiding/fighting for months/years.
3- Frailty. In the middle of my little pitty pot of sinfulness and shame of said sins, an acquaintance from NCSU, who happened to teach me a thing or two about shagging, passed away from cancer in the second month. His passing sort of came as a shock; how can it not when you're talking about a 21 year old man losing his life? Ian's passing was and still is a ministry to me. Life is frail. Life is short. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, not sizing up to others. I realized just how much of my time I spend worrying about what others are doing, where they're going, etc. It's CONSUMING. But I'm pretty sure that if I were in Ian's shoes, I would not want to look back at my life and say that I spend my early 20s (a great time of my life) focused more on other people business than I was my own life, marriage, job, family, etc. I took his death hard. Calling it a wake-up call is an understatement. Jesus has a message with every circumstance, and His message was loud and clear to me through this situation. The frailty of life is evident and I don't want to be so caught up that I miss out on this life I've been given and the gifts God's given me.
All in all, Jesus is good. He's so good. He loves me and gently teaches me daily and I'm thankful February was a time to draw closer to Him. Yes, spiritually exhausting, but so worth it!
